A Cold Day in Hell
Written by OcColt, Wireframe, Chud Chumgus, A_Randomiz3r,
Proofreading and Advice by OptimisticallyPuppy
The First Day (November 29, 2024)
[It’s a November evening in Weatherly Heights. Show The Crackers kinda bored, watching TV]
James Hardball: Now, I agree. I am of the opinion that we need to increase funding to the police, so that we can finally be tough on crime. By creating more crime!
[Minder cuts into the program, ala the “Max Headroom Incident”]
Minder: eeeyup! Thanks Jimmy, now onto the “weathers.!” Apparently, in my Mindervision Pros!™ it says that there will be *gasp!* a BLIZZARD!? Coming straight for… *gasp* Weatherly Height”s”?! Yikes, jackerinos, you’ve got to be real safe out there!
James Hardball: Can we get this guy off the air? …Okay, thank you …Who was that? Anyway, now onto sports.
Colt: Look, guys, I think that if we’re going to be seeing that blizzard, part of me thinks we should prepare. It could get very dangerous out there. In fact, the roads get the most slippery in the first ten minutes of snowfall hitting the road
Zendio: Wasn’t that rain? It’s slippery in the first ten minutes when rain hits the road
Colt: Don’t fact check me, gayboy
[Zendio sighs it off, looking slightly frustrated]
MKteal: Hey, if it gives us an excuse to leave the house, heh, then count me in.
Bob: well ain’t THIS just such a conundrum! Isn’t that right, Tealovich
MKteal: yeah sure whatever can we just go
Ash: Oh, come on Teal, lighten up! What could possibly go wrong?
Colt: I don’t know, but I know for sure that I’m driving this time.
Ash: What? Why? Teal has been our fine driver
MKteal: mate, that was my ONE THING…
Bob: We all know how things are at dinner with Colt, what makes you think he won’t stick his glubby fingers in whatever we do.
Colt: Fuck you guys. Anyway, we should check up on our inventory here and make a list of what we need to survive the snowstorm.
Ash: I’ll do it! :3
[Ash walks over to the kitchen]
Bob: Colt, when was the last time there was a blizzard here?
Colt: well I don’t know, last year?
Bob: I see. I see. When do you think the next blizzard will be?
Colt: Now??? Are you that stupid
Bob: neeope. How many blizzards do you think we could get this month?
Colt: (frustrated) what makes you think I know
[Ash opens up one cupboard to see that it is barren. She looks confused, so she tries opening it up again to no avail. She quickly opens and closes it multiple times like it’s broken.]
Ash: We’re out of food!
Colt: Okay very funny, who raided the cupboards?
Bob: [mauling cans of food] NOMNOGHMNAMGHGMGNMM…. well geez maybe it was fatass mcgee NOMNYANMNHGAHMNG-
[Colt stares]
Bob: NOPLEASEWAITIONLYDIDITCAUSEITWASFUNNY-
[Ash slams the trunk shut and gets into the car. Colt starts the car, perturbed. Put a shot of the dark night and snow falling somewhere.]
Colt: When I said “Bob we are going to torture you” I didn’t expect you to pull a CIA you wicked wench!
Ash: But it was so funny! Blame Bobmaker
Zendio: Victim blaming now, are we? You liberal..
Ash: I am a liberal and I’m proud!
Liminal: [In a deeper voice than usual, with vocal fry] Let’s not get into politics now
Colt: welcome to the land of the free and the home of the brave.
[Colt starts the car, and they back out of the driveway.]
[Fade cut/dissolve into a shot of the sky through the windshield, it’s now pitch black night and snow falling.]
Colt: Damn I didn’t expect the snow to fall so soon
Liminal: Great. Now we’re going to suffer a horrible death in this van which smells like feet. Greeat.
Colt: Pipe down, you little squirt, we’re going to survive with my awesome driving skills, as long as nobody does stupid shit.
[Everyone stares ahead blankly for a second.]
Zendio: My god, this is so boring. Can you puhlease turn on the radio!?
Colt: Certainly. [He turns the radio on]
WIHJ Radio Anchor: You’re listening to WIHJ-36! Weatherly Heights’ premier radio station! Up next is an oldie, but a goodie!...
Colt: Yes!
Liminal:MKteal:Zendio:Ash: NO!
WIHJ Radio Anchor: It is Lee Silver’s “No More Sunshine (In My Heart)!” With this coming blizzard, there will be no sunshine for quite a while, heh, so uh… stay tuned to the NOAA alerts and if you are driving, get home safely.
Zendio: I don’t want to listen to grandpa music, I’m changing this shit!
[Zendio reaches up in the car to turn off the radio, but Colt slaps him in the hand.]
Zendio: OW! You bitch!
Colt: You can change the station after this song, it’s not everyday they play my kinda music on the radio. We can change the station after this song. At least it’s not Jingle Bell Rock, or some other generic holly jolly tune.
Zendio: Sniffle.. But… I love Jingle Bell rock…
Colt: Since… Since when??
Zendio: I mean, since forever! Everyone on the English-speaking Bacchusian PLANET knows that song!
[Interior: The local grocery store (could be Mickey Dickey’s, could not be). The Mind Crackers walk in, and the automatic opening doors do a soft “ping-pong” sound]
Ciagu: Oh, hey guys! What’s up
Zendio: Sup Ciagu! Hey guess you weren’t lying about working here.
Ciagu: Why would I lie about it that’s such a stupid thing to lie about
[Following Colt, Zendio, Liminal, and Ash now]
Zendio: Okay, Ash, hit us with that shopping list
Ash: We have: food for a week, batteries, a propane lantern, an electric lantern, a-
Zendio: Couldn’t we just buy one lantern?
Liminal: and give it to Bob and Teal so they burn the house down just cause it’s funny? Everytime *I* do that it’s to prove a point.
Colt: Yeah, you need to treat them like they’d drink the chemicals under the sink because the colors are cool
Liminal: Wait, you’re not supposed to drink those?
[Ash and Colt look at Liminal strangely]
Zendio: …I thought they tasted good.
[Bob and MKteal have broken off from the other guys]
MKteal: Oh Bob no fuckin way
MKteal: It talks!! [Shot of a Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge Action Figure]
Bob: Erm. Dude, that’s freaking awesome? Get your “wal let” right this second?
[MKteal opens up his wallet and there’s nothing but a creepy photo of Ike]
MKteal: yeah uh idk just steal that shit man. we can’t get caught tho
Bob: Stuff it under your shirt buddy we gotta pretend to be a married old couple
MKteal: Dude. That’s genius.
[MKteal stuffs the Lee Carvallo up his shirt and his shirt is bulging comically rectangular now.]
Bob: *chuckles* Bro’s pregnant.
MKteal: *chuckling* Yeah, let’s hide before they catch us..!
[Jumpcut to everyone paying at the counter, MKteal and Bob are hiding there]
Colt: Alright, so, what’s the damage?
Ciagu: Well, let’s see. [he clicks some buttons on the cash register] It’s looking like it’ll total up tooooo… $359.99. Plus tax
Colt: Are you fucking kidding me?
Ciagu: No, man, the economy has just been terrible lately.
Zendio: We gotta bring back the gold standard!
Colt: Shut up, Zendio, you don’t even know what the gold standard is.
Liminal: Do you, you pretentious hack?
Colt: Does anyone, really?
[While they say that Colt pays the bill, then they start to take the cart out to the car. Teal is completely out of it and Bob tries to snap him back]
Bob: [loud whispering] CMON NOW GO GO [or smth like that you can improvise]
[The four of them walk out, and then Teal and Bob walk up, slowly. Teal is pretending to be a pregnant woman]
MKteal: ouhghh little timmy.. Stop kicking…
Ciagu: see ya teal
MKteal: [drops the act and walks faster] yeah see ya mate
Bob: Seeya later!
Ciagu: Safe travels!
[Bob and Teal leave. When they leave, the theft detector goes off but Ciagu doesn’t even notice it he’s busy playing bop it]
[Back to The Crack Shack., they’re awkwardly sitting around the TV, the clock is ticking.]
MKteal: SIGHHHH… put something on the television I’m boredddddd
[Bob valiantly bursts open the door.]
Bob: Do NOT touch that dial! I need to see my Big Bang Theories! I promised Arnold that I’d watch it tonight!
Liminal: The only thing that’s big and that I’m banging is your mother.
[Zendio and Liminal high five like Jeb Bush and Donald Trump that one time]
[Laugh Track]
Bob: *sniffle* that was really mean, Liminal… My mom is dead
Liminal: …D’jall hear that?
[The Crackers look around for a second]
Bob: Maybe it was the Big Bang’s! Hmm… Let me call a “Friend!”
[Bob picks up the phone, dials in a phone number]
BazingaFan: Whaddupppp
Bob: Hey budday, is The Big Bang Theory on? We just heard an excruciatingly obnoxious laugh track.
BazingaFan: uhh… no. It’s, like, ten at night. You missed it.
Bob: Wh– what?! We only went to the grocery store for like twenty minutes!
BazingaFan: No more Big Bang Theory nights. I’m tired of being stood up. And for the record– THE BIG BANG THEORY IS NOT OBNOXIOUS
[Bob hangs up]
Bob: geez what a fuckin’ autist.
Sylas: Dude that’s kinda fucked up to say.
Zendio: Sylas where the fuck did you come from
Sylas: Uh.
[Sylas slides away. On ice. Which used to be spilled water. Which froze. And is now ice.]
Colt: welp… I’m kinda beat. I’m heading to bedd… [He starts sliding too. Both of them. Both are sliding on the ice. Show that for a couple seconds. Just them peacefully drifting away. They stop on place as the EAS alarm blares in the house.]
EAS Alarm: ATTENTION. ANYONE WITHIN THE AREA OF NORTHEASTERN PENNSYLVANIA. LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS. THE BLIZZARD IS A LOT WORSE THAN THOUGHT BEFORE. EXPECTED 20 FEET AND HIGHER. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. HAVE ENOUGH SUPPLIES TO GET TO AT LEAST MONDAY. EMERGENCY SERVICES WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE.
Colt: Time to get comfy, I guess
[Laugh Track]
Bob: [He does one of those short lil laughs with ur throat blocked]
Liminal: What the fuck was that, Colt. That was… just sad.
Colt: What? You got a problem?
Liminal: Yeah. I got a problem, that- that stupid one-liner, that shit fucking sucked!
Ash: Hey- hey- hey, stop trying to kill each other in the middle of a snowstorm, cause that’d be about the least original thing to ever happen, right? We can’t fight…
MKteal: Fucking laaaaaaame
[MKteal switches the channel from the news to Doctor Who: The Extra British Edition - The Murderous Michael Incident]
Bob: Teal, I didn’t know you liked Doctor Who!
MKteal: One time I met him
Zendio: No you didn’t he’s not real.
MKteal: No I met him, he gave me a right mighty wiggin’, yeah.
Zendio: What’s a wigging?
MKteal: Wouldn’t you like to know.
Later that night…
[Show The Mind Crackers in their rooms sleeping. Show their unique ways of sleeping.]
[First is MKteal]
[Second is Liminal]
[Third is Bobmaker]
[Fourth is Ash]
[Fifth is Zendio. He’s in front of the computer, searching what a “wigging” is, not sleeping.]
[Sixth is Colt (...and Sylas!)... “A Marshmallow World,” by Vaughn Monroe is playing. Colt is smoking a bubble pipe while reading a book. Sylas’ alarm (a rooster call) wakes her up.]
Colt: That alarm’s fucking dumb, you should change it.
Sylas: How else am I gonna wake up?
Colt: It’s… [checks his watch] …half past eleven.
Sylas: So?! A diva needs their beauty sleep!
Colt: But you slept for like… thirty minutes.
Sylas: So..? Beauty sleep is beauty sleep?
[Colt looks at her, slightly disappointed. His bubble pipe barely hangs in his mouth.]
[Sylas turns the light back off, as she goes to sleep.]
Colt: Y’know, you’re not the only person who needs the light!
Sylas: Shut up! I’m trying to sleep.
…
…
…
The Second Day (November 30, 2024)
[The Mind Crackers are in the living room, watching TV.]
Murray: Mr. Dingleheimer, you are the father!
[Immense jubilation rings out as Mr. Dingelheimer is vindicated from the cheating wench Mrs. Dingleheimer. Until…. The TV goes out.]
Bob: Aw c– [He rapidly clicks the remote desperately.] d’aw come on! [He throws the remote at the TV. It dinks off the screen and he pouts.]
Ash: Now what are we gonna do?
Liminal: I’ve got an idea! Mono- [He’s holding a board game box.]
Zendio:Bob:Ash:MKteal: UGHHHHHHHH
Liminal: What? I was suggesting we play with this Baby’s First Deadly Virus Kit so we catch mono and kill ourselves.
MKteal: Fuckin finally!! I’m so tired of you lot that Monopoly would-
Colt: DIDYOUJUSTSAYMONOPOLY??
[Talking over eachother]
MKteal: Wait! No, I d- COLT STOP!! please
Zendio: Colt don’t you- d- don’t you fucking dare
Ash: THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN COLT THINK ABOUT THEM
Colt: MONOPOLY IT IS!
Zendio: FUCK!
[Show the Mind Crackers at the kitchen table, playing Monopoly.]
Colt: Iiii’m gonna buy Jimmy Gigglecheese’s for $700.
Zendio: Damnit.
Bob: mm-mm-mmm. Zendy, I told you to buy Quick! Gotta Eat! for $600 so he didn’t have enough to buy it. Whoo nelly.
[Laugh Track]
[Bobmaker grins very shit-eatingly.]
Liminal: Ash I tried to tell you this was a bad idea.
Ash: Nono, I’m determined.
Colt: …Risk?
Liminal: Sure, I’m down.
Ash: Alright, fair game.
[Show the game board. Colt owns almost all of the tiles on the map. Liminal is asleep from boredom, and the Laugh Track jolts him awake. He looks mad.]
MKteal: I’m gonna attack Kamchata… [He rolls the die and somehow he rolls snake eyes and loses all of his armies on Alaska.] …FUCK!
Colt: mmmkay… Now I’m gonna attack Alaska from Kamchata.
[Colt somehow rolls a perfect twelve and gets to march into Alaska without losing a single troop. He now owns all of the tiles on the map.]
[Timelapse of them playing various games, such as Jenga, Charades, UNO, Non-descript card game, The Game of Life, Monopoly again, and DND.]
[It is now around sunset. The pile of boardgames on the floor is immense. Zendio is asleep on the floor.]
Bob: Well… that’s all of the games we have.
Ash: I didn’t even know you could lose in DND. So much for nukes.
Colt: ….Chhhhineeeseee checkerrrsss..?
Liminal: Alright that’s it, I’ve had enough with this fucking torturous shit. May someone SHOOT ME NOW, so I never have to play another GOD DAMN BOARD GAME- not you.
[Rachel Gun:]
Ash: liminal I think you sh–
[The power goes out. It’s dark. The snow piles over the windows.]
Liminal: Goddamn I can’t see anything!
Ash: I can see everything… [She has glowing yellow eyes in the dark]
MKteal: That’s creepy as fuck, please close them forever.
Ash: Oki
Colt: No none of that stuff, we just need to find the lantern.
MKteal: The what?
Colt: The…. The lantern. From the store! Where we went yesterday!?
Liminal: I don’t remember getting that.
Ash: It was on the list, we have to have it.
Colt: Whose job was it to bring everything in..?
[FLASHBACK!!!! WOOOOAHHHH!]
[The Mind Crackers pile into the house.]
Ash: Liminal, MKteal, could y’all go and get the stuff out of the car?
MKteal: Yeah I’m doing that. [Doesn’t move an inch.]
[Ash keeps staring at him, Liminal turns and notices she’s still there.]
Liminal: Leave us alone Ash. The Big Bang Theory is about to start!
Colt: It’s 9 o’clock.
[Returns the present]
[Ash, Bob, Zendio, and Colt look at Liminal and MKteal angrily.]
Colt: Okay… let me tell you guys something… and this is gonna be funny, huddle up.
[MKteal, Liminal, and Colt huddle together.]
Colt: So… what happens when there’s no light… no water… and no food… for six people in a house… isolated from society… as the snow makes there be no way out…
MKteal: Uhhhhh…. Hmmm….
Colt: I’ll give you two a minute.
Liminal: Cannibalism!
Colt: You got it. And who are we sacrificing first?
MKteal: Ash because she’s a woman.
Ash: What?!
MKteal: Nuh uh, keep em closed.
Ash: O yea
Colt: No. Teal, Liminal. Buddies. We sacrifice you two because YOU JUST KILLED US. GO OUT THERE AND GET THE FUCKING LANTERN BEFORE I HAVE YOU HUNG FOR INSUBORDINATION!
Liminal: There’s no elec–
Colt: GET THE FUCK OUT, AND DON’T COME BACK WITHOUT THE SHIT FROM THE CAR!
[Show Teal and Liminal outside in doofy looking puffy jackets. They look like big penguins.]
Liminal: Jesus Christ, it’s cold out here.
MKteal: I’ve dealt with worse. Ever tried being wigged right outside in broad daylight in the ass crack of dawn in January?
[Liminal stares at him:]
MKteal: …Let’s just get the shit and move on.
Liminal: But where the fuck’s the car?
MKteal: Iunno. I believe it was to the… the… which way is up again?
Liminal: Fuck! We forgot where the driveway is!
MKteal: nonono.. I’m trying to remember! It’s… to the… left…?
Liminal: Since you said that, I’m not gonna go with you.
[MKteal walks to the right, instead of the left. Liminal walks to the left, towards the driveway. Pan out to the Episode 3 establishing shot but it’s really dark and currently snowing, and the snow is almost piled up past the door. The car is barely visible over the snow.]
Liminal: Oh hey! I found the car! …MKteal? MKTEAL!? Fuck. Where is he???
[Distant, echoy laugh track.]
[Follow MKteal. He’s walking across the yard and doesn’t hear Liminal due to the windy blizzard. Eventually, he sees a light on across the street with its lights on. He walks towards it, seeking warmth.]
[He walks up and knocks on the door.]
MKteal: P-P-P-Please o-open the door…. I’m so f-f-f-fucking cold…
[The door opens and Philip excitedly answers the door with his eyes closed]
Philip: OHOHOHOH! So great to have a visitor! Oh, come in, come in, my generator is cooking something fierce! So glad to help a neighbor in– [he opens his eyes.] oh. Hey teal. What’s goin’ on?
MKteal: Philip! I lost m-m-my house and Liminal! We were supposed to go to the c-c-c-car and I got los-
[Philip starts flashing the flashlight directly at MKteal, turning it on and off quickly. He stops and points it at The Crack Shack.]
Philip: There’s your house, nimrod, now please leave. Also, take this flashlight, so you don’t lose your way, nimrod. [he closes the door]
MKteal: Th-th-th-thanks Philip. [MKteal starts to walk back home.]
[Philip opens the door once more]
Philip: Also, can you please shut that goddanged sitcom or whatever goin’ on over there?! My brain’s been working overtime, and you’re disrupting the Experiment. Niimroddd…
MKteal: Yup, yeah, we’ll try. Sorry Philip.
[Philip closes the door once more]
[MKteal eventually reaches the front door, with Liminal standing in front of the door waiting. He has an icicle comically hanging out of his nose.]
Liminal: Y-you’re a f-f-fucking joke.
MKteal: W-W-W-What’d I do?!
[Distant laugh track]
Liminal: You somehow lost your way… to the fucking driveway. This is ridiculous, Colt wouldn’t let me in without you. I would’ve died out h-h-h-here.
MKteal: N-n-n-n-not my f-f-fault the yard’s too big!
[Distant laugh track]
[Liminal knocks on the door again, Colt opens the door, and lets the two in, and closes the door.]
[Teal and Liminal walk in, shivering.]
Zendio: So anyways yeah I found out that day that you actually can’t go outside while wearing nothing but a spoon on your nose.
Bob: Oh thank God you guys are back. I couldn't stand it no longer.
Liminal: We got the stuff. And MKteal almost died.
Colt: Can’t even trust you two to walk twenty feet without dying? What a joke.
Liminal: That’s what I said!
Bob: mmkay… well.. I’m gonna go to beddy bye… See ya crackies!
[Liminal turns on the lantern and it burns a very harsh, bright orange light.]
[Show Ash dead asleep on the couch. Like, she isn’t even snoring. You can’t even be sure she’s breathing.]
[The Crackers look at Ash, then amongst themselves, and then Zendio pokes at first– then slaps Ash with the newspaper.]
[Cut to Bob before we know Ash is dead or not]
Bob: Oh, Lee Carvallo Action Figure, this stuff is sooo boring!! I can’t even connect to the internet, I can’t even play Oneshot! We can’t go outside, I can’t go to Philip’s, this is a nightmare!
Lee Carvallo (Action Figure): A nightmare you can make lemonade from!
Bob: No, our juicer doesn’t work.
Lee Carvallo (Action Figure): …Have you tried annoying your friends with the laugh track ‘till they lose their minds?
Bob: They’re already losing it! Though, it does sound pretty funny…
Lee Carvallo (Action Figure): Think about it. You get to have all the faux stardom you’ve always wanted! You always wanted to be a [[Big Shot]], haven’t you?
Bob: hmm… [he starts grinning]
Lee Carvallo (Action Figure): I can assure you that you’ll feel big in yer’ britches like I am! Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge Premium Action Toy Hero! Straight from China!
Bob: heheheyess,, that sounds, Wonderful… but how did you know i wanted to be famous
[The Lee Carvallo figure goes silent for a second and flashes Bob with a bright light and he falls unconscious.]
The Third Day (December 1, 2024)
[The next day, the snow has piled to a ridiculous degree outside as all of the windows are now completely covered with snow. Loud clock ticking as all of The Crackers are sleeping. Time is now almost fluid because the snow covering the windows completely shuts them out of the outside world.]
[Bob wakes up, just in time for the sunrise. He looks in his hand and the Lee Carvallo figure is gone. He decides to enact the plan. He leaps out of bed and opens the window, ala American Dad]
Bob: Goooooooood Mornin’, Weatherly “Ice”!
[Laugh track.]
Bob: Geez! Look at it out there! They don’t call these Heights “Weatherly” for nothing!
[Laugh track. Bob looks out the window like Benito Mussolini]
[Philip opens his front door. He is in a robe, looking slightly decrepit, like he hasn’t slept in at least two days.]
Philip: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
[Philip closes the door.]
Bob: P–Philip..? What’s gotten into him???
Lee Carvallo (Action Figure): I guess he’s going to give you the cold shoulder now!
[Laugh track.]
[Bob’s window shatters. Philip shot at it in a desperate attempt to shut it the fuck up.]
Bob: Hey, y’know, Lee Carvallo, you’re pretty cool. Why don’t you be, like, my Rei Gun or something
Rachel Gun: [distantly] Not my name!!!!
Lee Carvallo (Action Figure): [say this line in your normal voice, slightly faster maybe] tsk *inhales*, Dude, you’re talking to an action figure you stole from a grocery store.
Bob: WHAT?!
Lee Carvallo (Action Figure): [same thing] I am a figment of your imagination that has manifested visual life only in your eyes due to your delusions and personal projections of a need for validation and approval, but hey, I’m only your brain, what do I know?
Bob: Hmph, you’re a mean one, mr. Figure.
…
Bob: …Lee Carvallo?
… [Lee Carvallo’s Action Figure is back to normal]
[Bob goes downstairs.]
Bob: Hey Cracklies, is the Polka Challenge on right now? I need to Polk my A!
[The rest of the Crackers minus Teal are lying on the couch, on the table, on the ground, looking extremely sleep deprived.]
Ash: Bob iyou shoiu l d i think ,,. youu can you please . Stop. Laughtrac, kbjjhfdjjj,mnn.,
Zendio: PLEASE HE’S LONG DOING US TNNDR̂WARDS [t̠n̠ːd̠ʀ]
Rachel Gun: And he deadnamed me!
Liminal: And he deadnamed Rachel!
Bob: Gee, you guys should CHILL OUT!
[Laugh track ensues, but is immediately cut by Colt who grabs Bobmaker by the neck]
Colt: [speaking through his teeth in the lowest pitch you can manage] Listen. I am going to fabricate a skeleton for you and painfully break your fingers off one by one.
Bob: Wha-what do you guys mean?..
Liminal: What else COULD he mean, dickhead, get it through your skull, we don’t wanna hear it.
Bob: Well, if you had the DECENCY…. To tell me about this, I would’ve errr not done it!-
Colt:Zendio:Ash:Liminal: YES-YOU-WOULD
Liminal: You ALWAYS do it
Ash: ALL THE TIME UGHHHN
Zendio: It’s like having a bǫř tęwiivhm̛ [ȸɔ̟̃s̠ t̠ɛ̟̃ɚɪːv͡ʝɱ̤ʰ] LIVING IN YOUR QLWW [kɬɚː] HOUSE
Colt: Yeah, you only ever care about YOURSELF!
[Bob pauses for a second]
Bob: I… I need to think about this for a minute.
[Bob rushes upstairs and calls Teal]
Bob: hey can you think about this for a minute
MKteal: …wha
Bob: Just think about it!
MKteal: Think about what-
Bob: mhm mhm yes yes i WILL put the crackies out of their misery and turn this house into their icy tomb… I like the sound of your idea!
MKteal: I never-
Bob: okthanksforhelpingmeouttealybyebye!
[Bob puts his phone back in him, turns around, and sees Teal standing right behind him]
Bob: AH [make this short and high pitched if you can]
MKteal: y’know usually you have to turn your phone on before calling people.
Bob: that gives me an idea… why don’t YOU join me on… The Endeavor?
MKteal: What, killing them?? No!!
Bob: why
MKteal: THEY’D BE DEAD.
Bob: [long pause] Ohhhhhh…
MKteal: It's- It’s called cause and effect, you never heard of it?
[...]
MKteal: yea that figures ANYWAY I wanna do some shit
Bob: But… what shall we do to enact our plans, now that SOMEONE-
MKteal: IIII’ve got an idea, I think you’re gonna like this one… [he grins wide]
[Bob turns to look at the camera pretty eerily. “Pennsylvania Polka” plays for a brief moment before it cuts.]
[Bob and Teal go downstairs, looking distinguished. MKteal pulls out a small, folded paper and unfolds it.]
Bob: Errr… exqueeze me everyone! I have an announcement!
[The Crackers look amongst themselves for a second, before looking back at Bob and Teal.]
MKteal: It is my distinguished honor with giving you guys a show…
MKteal: A show beyond compare!
[Bob looks very smug]
MKteal: A show beyond your wildest dreams!
[Bob does a pensive, thinking pose]
MKteal: A show of fright!
[Bob does the Home Alone face]
MKteal: A show of laughter!
[Bob does a hearty chuckle]
MKteal: And, above all else! A show of strength!
[Bob grows into an actual human body, but with his cartoony face still there.]
[The Mind Crackers recoil in terror, minus Zendio, who looks unaffected.]
Bob: Welcome, everyone, to the Bob and Teal show!
[Everyone else groans]
Bob: Yes, yes, everyone… You can congratulate me AFTER the show!
MKteal: For our first segment, have a sketch comedy! I will play a lowly snow plow driver, while Bob plays a disgruntled neighbor!
Bob: But first, we cannot continue our rowdy number without a good intro!
[Sudden cut with “It Looks Like Rain in Cherry Blossom Lane” by The Blue Chips playing]
[Various clips from earlier in the episode play, mocking intros]
[Text on screen]
James Gandolfini … as … Lee Carvallo
Morbidly Obese Bryan Cranston … as … Colton Jackson
Zendaya … as … Zendio
Larry Lapatoyteil … as … The Paintman
Danny DeVito… as … Ash Randlemeyers
Danny DeVito … as … Bobmaker
Machine Gun Kelly … as … Himself
Michael Teal D. … as … Machine Gun Kelly
[Final shot of The Mind Crackers standing next to each other or playfully pushing each other around while Zendio and MKteal hold up a white cardboard card that says “The Bob and Teal Comedy Hour” in black Times New Roman font. It very quickly zooms into it and white Times New Roman font reveals the title card “Snow Business? Snow Problem! Ice ‘Em Over!”. Written by Roberto Producervich and Michal Tal Dobbleging 3.]
[Liminal stomps the ground, making the scene fall back in place, some kind of a meta transition thing]
Liminal: GRRHHHH… ENOUGH! I’VE HAD ENOUGH
Zendio: Yeah, AGREED!
Liminal: Really?
Zendio: Yeah, it’s a cliche that has just ran its cours–
Bob: Okay, you didn’t like my intro, and you don’t like my jokes. Teal, cue the lights.
[Stage lights cut onto the stage, The Crackers look confused]
Bob: Alright, since you guys are giving me the Cold Shoulder! [Laugh track!] about my show, let me speed it up to the Grand Finale
[Bobmaker transforms into a Hulk-like thing]
Bob: It’s now time for a recreation of an old tale! David and Goliath! We will take one volunteer from the audience to be David and the other three will be the death actors!
Ash: Uhhh, no. I’m not gonna be doing that.
MKteal: Ay, you bettah! [MKteal points Rachel Gun at Ash]
Rachel Gun: THEY’VE TAKEN ME HOSTAGE!!
Liminal: RACHEL!? Dude… you’ve gone too far, man…
Colt: No! Stop! This has gone on far enough. [Colt grabs his gun] Stop, and drop your weapons!
[MKteal looks at Bob, who nods, and he drops Rachel.]
Colt: Now, detransform, and we will contain you to prevent any more escalations, okay!? [He begins to approach the Wretchedmaker]
Bob: uhh wait Jerkoff, look, there’s workers outside the window clearing out the way.
Colt: Really?
Bob: [pauses for a moment] …mmno. [Bobmaker hits Colt upside the head and he flies across the living room, knocked out.]
Bob: I am the Unstoppable Snow Mountain of a Man!
[Laugh track. Bob pauses and poses.]
MKteal: I’ve had quite enough of people steppin’ in the way, yea? It’s TEALIMANIA!
Bob: No, dude, it’s the Bob and Teal Show.
MKteal: Oh, righ–
[While they’re distracted, Ash throws an uppercut at Bobmaker’s chin. His face looks disfigured for a moment, and then morphs back to normal.]
Ash: …Fuck.
Bob: Ash, I’m gonna give you three seconds to step back before I absolutely freak out.
[Ash backs away.]
[Rachel Gun flies over to Liminal and he grabs her, and points it at Teal and Bob]
Liminal: Heh… this weather forecasts Forecasts your doom! Muahahaha!
[Laugh track]
[Bob chuckles at it for a second]
Bob: ahhh… an actually good one.
[Bob begins to slowly approach The Crackers.]
Ash: Wait, Liminal! That’s it! Keep making shitty one-liners!
Liminal: Alright! Well– uhh– let’s see. Killing you is gonna be… SNOW problem!
[Laugh track! Bob once again stops to appreciate the joke. Liminal shoots Bob in the arm, and a chunk is removed. His arm begins shaking.]
[Zendio transforms into a Wooly Mammoth to try and fight Bob directly.]
Zendio: Angry mammoth noises
Bob: You think you can stop me? I’m unstoppable now!
Ash: Liminal, GET ON WITH IT!
Liminal: Uhh…. Why did the–err–no–A polar bear walks into a bar, and the bartender says “Why the long paws!?”
[Laugh track]
Guy in the audience: LIMINAL! I LOVE YOU!
Liminal: Aw, It’SNOW problem!
[laugh track!]
[Bob leaves himself vulnerable laughing at the joke. Liminal shoots at Bobmaker’s leg, it shakes.]
Liminal: Okay, okay, now for a dramatic aside.
[The camera cuts to in front of him, and Bobmaker is behind him. Zendio and Bob are fighting, and Ash and MKteal also are. Cue sad music.]
Liminal: Guys, I– I just want to thank you for my Emmy nomination. Sniffle. It is the greatest birthday gift I have ever gotten and– and I cannot be more thankful!
I would like to thank my sister, and my daughter, Rachel, and my father Bidoof, and my late mother! Oh, thank you all for getting me here! Oh, I cannot forget my friends Melody, Ash, MKteal, Bobmaker, Colt, and Zendio!
Let’s see… I would also like to thank my loyal fanbase for sticking with me and sending money to my GoFundMe to rebuild our house, that was ver–
[Colt sneaks up to Bobmaker and aims his shotgun at his head, while Bobmaker is fighting Zendio]
[Colt shoots Bobmaker in the head, exploding his head across the walls. The audience gasps.]
Colt: Okay… we’re safe.
[Zendio detransforms]
Zendio: Dude. What the fuck. Did you really have to do that, honestly?
Colt: What!? He was gonna kill all of you!
Ash: Was he really?
Colt: YES, REALLY. LOOK AT WHAT HE DID TO MY FACE!
[Colt points at the waterfall of blood dripping down the side of his face.]
MKteal: WHAT!? I CANNOT HEAR YOU!
Liminal: Guys, shut up! You’re ruining my Emmy nomination!
[Liminal is actually looking at the wall, not actually addressing anyone.]
[Bob reforms back to normal, looking slightly sad.]
Bob: Dammit! Why didn’t this work?!
Ash: I think you owe us an explanation!
Bob: Do I, though?
[The Crackers look at each other]
MKteal: personally I thought he was in the right
Minder: (offscreen) Of course you’d say that, Teal. Come on man.
Liminal: You– YOU KINDAPPED MY DAUGHTER, I OUGHTA FUCKING KILL YOU!
[Zoom out with the Crackers still arguing, then fade into a drone shot of The Crack Shack and that zooms out and away before fading to black for the Credits.]
4 Days After. December 5, 2024. (POST-CREDITS)
Jimothy Hardball: …and after the firefighters rescued the lady… she was so ugly, we couldn’t even put her on TV. She wasn’t burned or anything, she was just hideous. Anyway, now onto our field reporters out there to report on the aftermath of the snow.
Gerald Viewfinder: Thanks Jimmy. I’m out on Main Street here with the Weatherly Heightians frolicking and playing with the historic snow. Ain’t that right?
Tired Weatherly Heightian: Yeah, I was left without the internet for DAYS. I could barely take another second of not having it!
Melody: That… actually fucking sucked.
BazingaFan: We were all out here in the snow, and after a few days, I guess you can say it’s SNOW problem, anymore… Bazinga!
[The laugh track erupts]
Bob: heh, that one was pretty… Ice-ilicious!
Philip: [Chortling while holding a bunch of lab equipment] That- That was a great one, Robert! I almost- had an accident with my- [Slips in snow or something] WOAH! [Falls over with all the lab equipment falling on him, screams in agony] EGADS!!! IT BURNS!!!! IT BURNS!!!!
Pierre: Wawaweewa! Cools flippe, Phillipe! Harhar, cet even rhymes! Oh... are you of the hurtes?
[The laugh track comes back again]
Philip: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
Gerald Viewfinder: Holy shit! Cut to commercial! CUT TO COMMERC–!
[Cut to the TV anchor looking shocked and a little bit traumatized before he turns off the connection. Connection terminated thing comes on the TV.]
Bob: Apparently Philip just barely made a recovery.
Ash: Oh, well I hope he’s okay.
Zendio: Okay. So. Now that the actual blizzard is over, can we all go searching for that laugh track? Genuinely getting on my nerves.
[Montage of The Mind Crackers trying to find the Laugh Track once and for all.]
[Colt walks upstairs, but don’t follow him with the camera. Just stay on the Crackers.]
[Keep on the montage for maybe about 10 more seconds.]
Colt: what– HOLY SHIT! COME UP HERE NOW!
[The Mind Crackers come up to Colt, who looks visibly scarred.]
Ash: Colt, are you okay!?
Zendio: Dude you look like you just saw Bobmaker’s whale of a mother.
Bob: Zendio I thought I told you to stop making jokes about my mom
Zendio: My bad, man. [they dap up as an apology]
Colt: Let’s all look up in the attic, together, okay, and maybe you’ll see what I’m talking about.
[Colt opens the attic door, a ladder drops down, and they climb up it. They all peek their heads over the attic floor to see Minder with a bunch of soda cans near him, watching TV that is showing what the camera is currently showing. Minder turns around]
Minder: Hey Jack, and other Jacks! I’m watching TV!
[He turns back over to watching TV before snapping back at them]
Minder: …You guys aren’t supposed to be here.
[He aims the remote at the TV.]
Minder: [sigh] …It was fun while it lasted, I guess.
[All of The Mind Crackers beg for life as Minder turns off the TV, CRT turning off effect, the episode ends with black.]
The Bottle Episode
Act I - Blizzard
The Crackers are sitting in front of the TV, flicking through the channels, trying to find something good to watch.
Weatherman Incidental I: …and in other news, a wild snowstorm seems to be heading into the entirety of the North-Eastern United States. Watch out, it’s gonna be a rough one. There will be about 10 - 30 inches of snowfall overnight, and they’re saying that it’ll be in a state of emergency until the snowfall stops, expected towards Tuesday afternoon. If you need to leave, now would be the time to do so.
Weatherman/News Anchor Incidental II: That’s right, Jon, the government has declared a state of emergency for those in the following states: New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts–
[The gang all look at each other with a shit eating grin. They, and the audience, would know.]
Weatherman/News Anchor Incidental II: –Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Vermont. People are advised to travel before the blizzard begins at 8:45 tonight. If you leave after the snowfall, expect high traffic and be prepared to be stuck out in the snow. Pack blankets, hot drinks, and other things essential for survival in cold temperatures.
Colt: Jeesh, that sounds pretty bad.
[He looks down at his hot cocoa, and stirs it up with his spoon before taking a sip.]
[Liminal, who has the remote and is the one flicking through the channels, changes the channel to a mostly ambiguous channel.]
Bob: Heh… it’s gonna get.. white out! This is about to be… uncanny…
[A laugh track bursts out of nowhere. The gang mostly just brushes it off to being on the TV. They go back to talking about the snowstorm.]
Liminal: Well, if we’re gonna be stuck here for the next two days, we’re gonna need supplies.
Ash: Yeah… But, who decides to go?
Colt: Draw straws?
Zendio: Draw straws? No one’s done that for like, 60 years!
Colt: [sighs] Oh, great. The arguing already starts. This is gonna be the worst bottle episode ever.
[Bobmaker looks down at his lack of limbs and ligaments.]
Bob: Erm… well look at that! I can’t go! Whew!
[The Laugh Track cuts in again, almost perfectly on queue. Colt looks around, bewildered, but ultimately forgets about it.]
Colt: I’ll get the straws.
Liminal: No need. I volunteer to go.
Ash: I’ll go too.
Colt: No, I’ll go. You’ll get yourselves killed. I know exactly what I need. I was once stranded out in my car in nothing but a blanket, a cold omelet, and a battery. And look at me now, I’m fine.
[The rest of the gang look at each other with a skeptical look on their face.]
Colt: [scoffs] I’ll be back later.
[It cuts to a timelapse of the sky becoming darker, clouds are seen beginning to roll in.]
[Colt comes back after an hour or two. He’s covered head-to-toe, including three different scarves, red mittens that are a size too big for him, goggles, a dumb looking puffy jacket, heavy black pants, and snow boots that come all the way up to his knees. He is holding several bags filled with food and other things necessary for their survival for two days. It is visibly dark outside, and snow blows in the door past him. The wind is howling outside. Colt is visibly red. The Laugh Track returns, seemingly to mock his goofy appearance.]
Bob: Why did you need to go out there wearing that, you’ve already got fat reserves!
[The Laugh Track cuts in. Colt looks visibly perplexed as to where it’s coming from.]
Colt: Where the fuck is that laugh track coming from?
MKteal: I dunno, it wasn’t playin’ when you were gone, guv’nah.
Liminal: [looks to MKTeal] I don’t know, I thought it played when Bobmaker sucked on a banana the long way.
[The Laugh Track cuts in again.]
Colt: [Muffled because of the scarves] hedidwhut
[The Laugh Track cuts in yet again, almost becoming annoying.]
Bob: [pauses for a moment] Erm… did I do that?! That was pretty…. Uncanny of me! Must’ve been the… Gay Glitch!
[The Laugh Track cuts in yet again, almost being seemingly louder than before.]
Zendio: Great.
[The Laugh Track plays again. Colt looks visibly annoyed with the constant laugh track. He starts to take off the winter clothes. He is turned around, his back is to the camera.]
Colt: Dumb question, but is the TV on right now? Are you guys watching a cheesy sitcom?
MKteal: Nah, the TV stations got wiped about 10 minutes ago.
[Liminal is still flicking through the channels on the TV. He seems anxious, like he can’t live without the TV.]
Liminal: Goddamn. They got our TV! Why’d it have to be the TV?! Take me, instead!
[Laugh Track]
Colt: Well, where’s that laugh track coming from?
Everyone, but Colt: We don’t know.
[Various overlapping talking]
Random Voice I: Do you think we know?
Random Voice II: We’ve had to endure it longer than you had to! You were the one who went out!
Bob: This must be the Pibby Glitch….
[Laugh Track]
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Bob: [lowers his voice] gee well ok damn..
MKteal: Let’s just all calm down. If we’re all going to be stuck here, we need to … um… y’know… not kill each other? We’re stuck out here until that snow clears out, yea?
[The gang goes “mm-hmm” in agreement, with some only nodding their head for approval.]
Ash: yeh. I agree. Let’s try not to kill.. Each other yet.
[Zendio looks at Colt’s magical bag of tricks. He inquires.]
Zendio: Ooh, What did you get while you were out?
[Colt takes off the last of his scarves and is now taking off his mittens/gloves.]
Colt: Well, I got us canned food, a picnic stove, a battery-powered HAM radio, a battery for the radio, lanterns and flashlights, blankets, both heated and normal, water, juice, a transmitter for the radio, a microphone for the radio, …. And I believe that’s what we needed.
Liminal: Did you at least inquire about the TV?
Colt: What do you think? I just got back home.
[The gang groaned in disappointment. How will they live without their TV? The wind is audibly howling outside.]
Bob: Ham radio? Well gee, I can’t wait to eat that!
[The Laugh Track plays. Colt looks slightly annoyed, but the gang looks at Bobmaker with abject disappointment and irritation. The expression varies from person to person.]
Bob: What can I say? I’m just a na–
[Liminal, Ash, Zendio, and MKteal all put their hands over his mouth to prevent him from saying something stupid. The Laugh Track does not play, and they sigh with relief.]
MKteal: Bobmaker, for once, shut your mouth. [under his breath] blimey…
[Colt has been putting stuff away, and keeping other stuff such as the HAM Radio and the Picnic Stove out]
Colt: I didn’t screw up entirely, I inquired about the power and they said they won’t come to save our asses if the power goes down, at least until the snow melts, which we don’t know when that’s gonna happen.
[The gang, again, groan in disappointment. Colt looks disappointed.]
MKteal: What if we die out here, man? Then what? How will we make our music?
Zendio: How will I find the man of my dreams?
Liminal: How will we become famous?
Bob: How will I–
[Everyone shushes him loudly.]
Bob: B-But I wasn’t–
[Everyone shushes him loudly again.]
Bob: [groans] forget it.
Colt and Ash: How will I get through the weekend with you people?
[They both look at each other. As if trying to see if the other is reading their mind. Of course, that can’t happen, but they’re just trying to lighten the mood. A loud “Oooooooohhhh…” is heard throughout the house. Everyone looks around, trying to find the source.]
[The act ends with a zoom in on Bobmaker. He looks visibly frustrated, and almost like he’s planning something. We, the audience, don’t know what he’s plotting yet.]
[Cut to black.]
Act II - Meandering
[It fades back in. It’s nighttime out. Everyone is just sitting or laying around. Colt sits on the recliner with a can of soda. He looks as though he’s reflecting on stuff. He pulls the telephone off of the receiver, and dials a phone number. The line rings twice before it is picked up.]
Colt: Hey babe, it’s Colt. I’m just calling in to check on you– that blizzard is– yes, I know we had that thing planned tonight, but– [pauses for a moment as Ihu talks to him through the line. He looks slightly upset.] –Yes, I understand, b-but… [pauses] …yeah. I understand. I’ll make it up to you, I– [pause for a split second] –I promise. I love ya, I’ll see you as soon as the snow stops. …. Yep, sounds good. I’ll let you go, now. Love ya! [He hangs up the phone, and puts his hand on his face like a facepalm.]
Liminal: Lady troubles, huh?
[Colt looks at Liminal and nods, not saying anything]
[Awkward silence fills the room for quite a bit. The ticking of the clock on the wall and the howling winds outside cut the silence and tension like a knife.]
Colt: … Would y’all like some musi–
[The gang groans, because they know the only music Colt has is 1940s crap. He knows this, but retorts. Colt leans forward in his chair.]
Colt: Listen, it’s either that or nothing. We have no normal radio, we have no TV, and our cell phone bill hasn’t been paid in months.
[Awkward silence fills the room again. His mouth is slightly agape and leans back in his chair.]
[After about 10 seconds of silence…]
MKteal: …perhaps it wouldn’t be that bad. Bring it out. I can’t handle this silence much longer.
Ash and Zendio: mm-hmm.
[Colt gets up with a groan and goes into his room. Shuffling can be heard before he comes out with the “Red Rocket” record player and a pile of both vinyl and 10” records. He plugs the record player in and puts a record on. The song currently playing is “Moonlight Cocktail,” by Glenn Miller and His Orchestra.]
[The instrumental intro plays. It creates a rather pleasant atmosphere, all things considered.]
Vocalist: “A couple of jiggers of moonlight, and add a star…”
Bob: Erm… a couple of WHAT?
Ash: Did he just say… what I think he said?
<
Colt: C’mon, he said “Jigger.” Not.. the other word. You guys are so immature, I don’t know why I do stuff with you.
Bob: Of course the white american man would defend it.
[Colt looks at the camera unknowingly. The Laugh Track comes back, thinking it was a deadpan reaction, like in The Office.]
Colt: oh my god. I swear to God, I can’t take that laugh track any longer.
[Awkward silence for a bit.]
MKteal: Do you have, like, Black Sabbath or Korn or something like that. This shit sucks.
Colt: I’m not my father. I don’t have that music.
MKteal: Then I’m going out for a walk. I’ll be back.
[Colt jumps up from his chair and grabs MKteal by the shoulders.]
Colt: Don’t. If you go out there, you will die.
MKteal: Get off me, man. I’d rather be dead than listening to whatever that garbage is.
Colt: Oh, if that’s what you think, then you’re goddamned free to leave.
[MKteal walks around Colt and opens the door. The snow is piled higher than the door, comically. The Laugh Track comes back to laugh at MKTeal’s expense.]
MKteal and Colt: Huh.
Colt: What about that.
[MKTeal slowly shuts the door, and the two go back to sitting down. Colt quickly gets up and puts a new record on. The song “No More Sunshine - Buddy Stuart” starts playing. The mood artificially livens up due to the upbeat tempo, but the gang are still obviously discontented.]
Liminal: I quite like this one.
MKteal: Better than that ‘40s crap.
Colt: At least I made a goddamn effort in order to help liven the mood… What have you done?
[MKteal goes silent. He realizes he hasn’t done anything, but he looks at Colt with disdain for this moment. The wind howls outside as the house audibly creaks from the wind.]
[Colt smirks, thinking of something funny he could say.]
[Both Ash and Liminal look at Colt like they looked at Bobmaker, knowing that he’s about to say something “comedic.” ]
Zendio: If you even think about saying something “funny,” I’m just killing you now.
[Colt looks at Zendio, but smiling a little bit more. It’s almost like the comment Zendio made is comedic to him, and it motivates him in to say whatever he was about to say.]
Colt: The creaking of the house reminds me of creaking your ma’s mattress springs.
[The Laugh Track bursts out, almost seemingly louder than before because it was silent apart from the wind, clock, and the record.]
Bob: Oh, so when he does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m the second spawn of Satan, okay.
Liminal: We aren’t doing anything ‘cuz he’s on the other side of the room, and I don’t want to do anything.
[Colt raises his can of soda in the air in a cocky way and gives a shit eating smirk. Bob looks at him frustrated.]
Zendio: Well, can we please do something about that damn laugh track?
[The gang approves, nodding their heads.]
Zendio: But what do we do? I mean– we can’t just go insane over it?
[Everyone goes silent for a bit. Colt looks to the floor thinking about what to. Ash swallows their saliva. They just all stay quiet for a bit.]
MKteal: What if we stayed quiet? Y’know… [voice trailing off] don’t say anything…
Colt: Yeh– but what if we were stuck in a situation where we were all going to die or we needed to radio a rescue out? We can’t just take a vow of silence like that.
MKteal: Eh… never thought of that.
Zendio: What if we just bound and gagged Bob?
Colt: [pauses for a second.] … I like the way you think.
Bob: Erm, that would be cruel! And besides, I’m not into that.[Frowns with his eyes]
Zendio: I can’t take this silence anymore… Can we please just put on something???
Liminal: Can’t, man. The TV’s out.
Zendio: We’ve got DVDs, don’t we?
Colt: We don’t have anything good. We don’t have shit like The Sopranos, or Breaking Bad.I’ll die without Breaking Bad.
Bob: Do you have mobile data? We could watch Breaking Bad from your youtube account erm.. uncanny
Zendio: Gee, let me pull out my phone and make a phone call. No, you idiot, the phone bill hasn’t been paid since May.
Bob: Next time just ask me to lend you some money from my factory, damn.
Ash: [Talking over Bobmaker] We don’t have any money. We barely can afford to live.
Bob: [Talked over by Liminal’s dialogue] Speak for yourself.
Liminal: [Talking over Ash and Bob] E– Ev– Everyone just calm down. Look, let’s just do something else. Personally, I could eat.
Colt: I’ll cook. I need to do something besides feeling my brain turn to mush.
[Colt gets up and goes to the kitchen. He starts cooking SPAM.]
Bob: Wait, I think I have something.
[He dispenses a DVD out of his.. Goo. The gang look at him and DVD with abject disgust and horror.]
Bob: What, it’s just a CD. A bit rusty but it still works.
Liminal: – DVD. There’s a difference. CDs hold audio files, DVDs hold video files.
Bob: Cerra el ojete.
Zendio: I don’t think I want to touch that… I don’t know where that goo has been.
Bob: Probably anywhere you can imagine. In the world, that is.
Ash: What if we played Monopoly… or … something like that.
[Colt overhears ‘Monopoly’ from the kitchen and does a shit eating grin]
Liminal: I’d be down.
[Colt comes back with the SPAM for everyone on a plate. The non-Americans look at it with disgust and horror]
Ash: What. The fuck. Is that.
Colt: It– It’s ham, dude. Have you never had SPAM?
MKteal: I have bacon sandwiches for dinner, what is this shite bruv???
[He says, while taking a bite out of the square of artificial, processed meat.]
Ash: Well of course, have you? This shit looks like diabetes on a can.
[Laugh track plays]
Ash: SHUT UP.
[The laugh track immediately cuts]
Bob: I miss Argentina. Food had love back there.
Colt: Argentina is a shithole right now. You say you’d rather go back there than eat square ham?
Bob: I… Erm… Awkward…
Ash: Well if this is really as healthy as you say, why don't you read the ingredients for us?
Colt: urhm… [He gets up to grab a leftover can of the SPAM. He comes back and sits down.] It says here “Pork with ham, salt, water, potato starch, sugar, and sodium nitrite.”
Bob: Erm… it says WH–
[Everyone shushes him before he can finish the thought so that the cursed laugh track doesn’t come back.]
Colt: [sighs] Pork with Ham.
MKteal: I'm not eating that, absolute sludge mate.
Colt: What? It's not so bad, is it?
MKteal: Of course you'd say that, you're american.
Colt: You Europeans…
Ash: Come on dude, he's not used to it. They've got so many regulations that the Fanta there looks like piss.
[Laugh track plays]
Ash: AUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
Colt: Who would honestly want to drink that? I mean, seriously?
[While Colt and Ash are arguing, Bob thinks to himself for a minute, before looking at the group.]
Bob: What if we played Civilization Six?
Ash: What?
Bob: Civilization Six.
MKteal: Civilization Six? Ain’t that cost like, 60 dollars, mate?